I’m going to be completely honest now.
Because, with you, I feel like I can be.
I’m sure you’ve gathered by this point that I really really really love writing (I kind of wouldn’t be here if I didn’t.) If there’s ever a time when I’m not writing stuff down, or wondering about what words I can string together next, then I’m not really sure what I’m supposed to do with myself. It’s not just an addiction, it’s a compulsion that is entirely undeniable to me. It’s in my bones, it’s taken over my heart, and – if I’m being completely truthful – it’s the only thing I’ve ever really been certain about.
I can say that now, but it hasn’t always quite so easy to admit.
For the longest time I didn’t tell anybody, instead choosing to keep the passion very much confined to my own heart. It wasn’t because I didn’t want to talk about it – if anything there have been way too many occasions where it’s been the only thing I’ve wanted to talk about – but it’s because I’ve been so cripplingly afraid.
Sure, I liked the way I made the words sound but I certainly didn’t think anybody else would. It was that inherent doubt which made me nervous to ever let anybody even come close to reading my work. I knew that if they showed even the slightest sign of indifference towards it I would be consumed with quiet distress. If they outright criticised it? Well, my heart would be completely flooded with the most agonising kind of grief.
But gradually – and I’m talking super-miniscule baby steps here – I allowed some very special people into this secret, and in doing so I let them read all the things that are most precious to me. When they told me that they liked the way I organised the words on the page, and that all those ridiculous metaphors and excessive adjectives actually provoked the things I hoped they would, it made my heart stop beating. Completely stop. Because it honestly meant that much to me. It encouraged me to let more people into my secret, and although I was completely terrified – and I guess in a lot of ways I still am – it was a good sort of terrified. A kind of terrified I could be excited about.
That’s when I made my mind up to start this blog.
Now here we are, one month in, and you – yes, you! – are saying the things I was afraid I’d never hear. It’s wonderful in so many ways, and it honestly makes my heart beam with overwhelming happiness. In fact it means more coming from you than anybody because you’re not under any social obligation to say it.
Your readership, your following, your likes and your kind words mean the world to me. Because starting this blog? Well, it wasn’t easy for me. But you – yes, you! – have made it so very worthwhile. You’re not just validating me, you’re making me brave enough to tell the world this secret I’ve been keeping for a very long time. You’re making me certain that I did the right thing, and you’re sparing me from being a terrified wreck in the process. For that, I am – and will forever be – exceptionally grateful. ❤️