Its been one of those days.
No. Actually, it’s been one of those weeks.
You know, the ones where you just feel, bleurgh.
Not particularly angry, or particularly sad, or moody, or temperamental – just, you know, bleurgh. Fed up, demotivated, demoralised, full of doubt, and completely uninterested in everything to the point where even two hours of Ryan Gosling singing his heart out couldn’t perk me up (although in all fairness that was mainly to do with the ending of La La Land, then my actual mood.)
So it kind of goes without saying that there has been better weeks.
But I haven’t really been able to fathom out why.
I could try to blame it on the weather, or the fact that it’s January, or how much I disagreed with the ending of La La Land (I don’t mean to bang on about it, but I seriously can’t get over it) but the truth is it’s not really anything to do with those things at all. The truth is it’s been much, much deeper than that, and it’s made me have a very scary thought indeed. One that I’ve never really had before….
‘Why don’t you just give up?’
But it sadly didn’t stop there. Because that’s the nature of doubt; it spends a long time working its way into your head but once it’s there it gets comfortable. It refuses to leave, instead finding every possible way to break you. It means that what started out as ‘why don’t you just give up?’ quickly turned into ‘what’s the point in all of this anyway? None of this seriously means anything. It’s all so very trivial, and to be quite honest you’re just boring me now. Just take yourself off to bed and watch Netflix for the next few years. Quitting isn’t really such a bad thing. Even Gandhi said “whatever you do in life will be insignificant” – which basically means don’t flipping bother.’ (yeah – even my subconscious brain quotes Gandhi. You see how this can get exhausting.)
I’m ashamed to say that I was dangerously close to listening to it. I even re-installed the Netflix app and everything.
It was only this morning, when I happened to be speaking to one of the greatest uncredited philosophers of our time (which admittedly isn’t quite as impressive as it sounds – she’s actually my sister) that I was made to realise what a bonehead I’ve been. She said a lot of things, she made a lot of good points, she helped me reach a few much needed epiphanies (she even yelled at me a little bit too) but by far the most important thing she said to me is this…
Yes, there are times when you’re going to want to jump up your own arse and not be bothered to have a life, but that’s just tough. Quit being a baby and get on with it.
And believe it or not, that has actually done the trick. That and the other thing she suggested. Are you ready for this one? (It should come as a shock to literally no one)
I’m deleting Twitter.
I lasted a month, but now it’s time for me to go back to my indefinite social media cleanse. The reasons are abundant (which I won’t bore you with right now) I’ll just say that I wish to firmly stand by my original conclusion that it takes away far more than it gives, and it really is far too self-indulgent for me to handle. (Sorry.)
(Oh, and it turns out that while Gandhi did say ‘whatever you do in life will be insignificant’, he also said that ‘it’s very important that you do it because nobody else will.’ So suck on that Subconscious!)