I Let Myself Down. 

I have an impressively short list of regrets. It mainly consists of my eyebrows circa 2015, and ever agreeing to watch Star Wars Episodes 1 – 6.

But, as of this weekend, I have another one to add to the list. No, I didn’t watch Episode 7 (if I ever do that I’ll just delete the entire blog, okay?) what I did was much worse. In fact it was so bad – and I mean that in all seriousness – that I’ve had to push pause on all the things I should be doing, in order to write this deeply cathartic, explanatory post.

So what did I do that was so bad?

I’m sure, by some people’s standards, quite a lot of things.

For a start I was the girl who put on a full face of makeup to go running. (Who does that?!) I’ve never done it before, but this run was different. Different because it was through a running club. It was the very first time they were meeting, actually.

Now, before you start to think I’m a running club person, allow me to set the record straight…I’m not a running club person.

Because running club people are the type of people who think in km splits, spend their Saturday afternoons on a ‘big run’, and say douchey things like, ‘running just relaxes me.’ Me? Well, I’m the person who runs three steps and starts gasping about how much I hate cardio.

But I had to be part of that running club.

Why?

Because I know someone who genuinely wanted to be there for that first meeting (he’s a running club person) but he couldn’t go. He wasn’t in the country at the time. So – in order to piss him off – a group of us decided to go.

But achieving that level of pettiness isn’t the thing I’m regretful for.

Nor is it that I spent the entire of the run asking if the rain had made my eyebrows start to stream down my cheeks. (It hadn’t.)

No, I’m regretful for something much worse…

When one of the running club people asked where I worked, I lied.

What I should have was something like… ‘I’m currently writing something so freaking exciting, you’ll basically have to go for another run to relax yourself after I tell you about it!‘ But instead I just gave them all the details of my old job. I did it automatically.


I instantly regretted it. 

Sure, it was easier than talking about something so personal to me. Sure there was much less risk of judgement. Sure it spared me from having to explain my entire plan to strangers (especially running club strangers) but still…


I regretted it. 

This is who I am. I shouldn’t pretend otherwise.

Especially when those running club people were pretty damn nice. They would have got it.

So I’m afraid the only real idiot there was me.

The good news is I won’t be making that mistake again. I’ve already got the speech prepared for when I next get asked the question.

The other good news is – besides that horrendous blip – it was actually pretty fun. And now I can proudly say that I am an official founding member of the Mikkeller Running Club Birmingham. Only eight people in the world can say that. I’m thrilled to be one of them.

When they make the statue of us I hope they remember that I’m 5ft 10, my eyebrows were NOT running down my face, and – no matter what I said that day – I am a writer. ❤️

  One thought on “I Let Myself Down. 

  1. August 8, 2017 at 8:24 pm

    I aspire to be that level of petty<3 You are a beautiful writer with a beautiful soul. You should've brought your phone out and shown them all your blog and been like " Look at this hot blog" ..then winked. Then you should've told them everything about this exciting piece that your writing ( then made them all follow your blog).  😉

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Tee
    August 8, 2017 at 8:30 pm

    This one hits home for me, Claire. For some reason, it’s hard to just say “I’m a writer” – I guess because my own doubts are loud enough on any given day and I don’t need anyone else’s…real or imagined (most likely imagined). Thank you for this honesty (and no reason for regret…writers get lots of thinking time…and to be choosy 🙂 It’s nice to know I’m not alone, though. I’m glad I read it. Much love…

    Like

    • August 9, 2017 at 7:27 am

      Ahh Tee what an amazing comment! You’re SO right about the doubts…I think that’s mainly why I find it so hard to talk about writing. I have a huge fear of someone just saying…’you? You’re a writer? Seriously?’ 🙄 even though – as you quite rightly said – that’s unlikely to happen. I’ve found that when I have been confident enough to tell people about it, they’re mainly really supportive – and perhaps a little envious – but it’s still SO hard to shake the fear that someone will turn around and just roll their eyes.
      I’m really glad to read your comment and know it isn’t just me who feels this way! Thank you so much 😊💕

      Like

  3. August 8, 2017 at 8:35 pm

    I love this. It’s always hard to accept new, big changes but you are doing so amazingly! Keep at it xx

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Emma Cramphorn
    August 8, 2017 at 8:57 pm

    Beautifully written, full face of makeup to go running in the rain 🤔 waste of makeup if you ask me. Claire you should never be ashamed your a writer! I love everything you write and I will be behind you every step of the way Sis. Keep it up or I will kick your ass 😊 xxx

    Like

    • August 9, 2017 at 7:32 am

      In my defence I didn’t know it was going to rain..although I guess it worked out well…the fear of losing my eyebrows made me run faster 😜🤣 xxxx💕

      Liked by 1 person

      • Emma Cramphorn
        August 9, 2017 at 7:57 am

        😂😂 I would still have paid to have seen you running worrying about your eyebrows 🤣🤣 xxxx❤

        Liked by 1 person

  5. October 13, 2017 at 5:07 am

    When telling people that I’m a writer, I still occasionally end my sentence with “its kind of stupid” or “i’m just trying it out”.

    I totally understand where you are coming from here

    Like

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